TW: This piece mentions suicide, suicidal ideation, and sexual trauma
If you’ve been reading this newsletter for a while, you likely know that there is plenty I could write about the trauma that comes from mental health care and institutions. Even in the places where I have received great care, there have been moments of trauma. But, if there’s, one thing you should know about me, it’s that I can find the hilarious moments even in the darkest of places. During my time in the psychiatric hospital, I made sure to write down the funny moments, because I wanted to remember the moments of absurdity and hilarity that ensued during the darkest of times.
On the weekend our social worker wanted us to do something fun, so we played ring toss. Have you ever been depressed out of your mind and played ring toss? It feels so silly.
There was a very sweet man on the unit who wouldn’t talk and just walk laps around the unit all day (this was because his medication made him prone to pacing). Occasionally he would stop and do tai chi. Once he stopped pacing and started his tai chi poses outside the big window of the room where we had therapy. An older woman– who was a child star in the ‘70s–came out of her room with her walker and began doing tai chi with him. It was hilarious and beautiful. The woman made everyone feel loved and included.
One night a tech lead karaoke. That same former child star was dancing with another patient. The patient wasn’t wearing a bra (because wired bras aren’t allowed on the unit) and she yelled “YOUR KNOCKERS ARE BOUNCING!”
During music therapy, we had to sing “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley. Imagine sitting in a room of suicidal individuals who are shaking tambourines off beat and singing in a monotone voice, "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"
Instead of our usual morning stretches, our social worker had us do laps around the unit while playing “Eye of the Tiger” (she made us march and do the grapevine).
For some reason, we were allowed to watch a lot of Law and Order SVU. One episode we watched was about a case that involved schizophrenia. Of course, about half the people watching the show had that condition. I’m not sure why we were allowed to watch it given most people there had a history of sexual abuse and of course it was a gross mischaracterization of schizophrenia, but no one made any comments. This might not seem too funny at face value, but I promise the dramatic irony was palpable!
I told my nurse (he talked with the cadence of Tom Haverford from Parks & Rec) that I loved all podcasts. He asked me if I listened to Joe Rogan (I’m 90% sure he was serious). I’m pretty sure I was wearing my sweatshirt that said “I want to see feisty disabled people change the world” at the time.
That same nurse once asked me why I slept all day, and then said, “wow, your new dose of Remeron is gettin’up there” (meaning that the dose was high). SIR, WHY DO YOU THINK I AM HERE?
So here’s to finding moments of levity, even when you’re locked away while staying in a room with a bolted down-up window and sleeping on a plastic mattress. Ultimately, we live in a confusing, brutal, but beautiful world. The epitome of this is when you find yourself in a psych ward, doing the grapevine to the lyrics, “Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop. Just a man and his will to survive. It’s the eye of the tiger.'"
So grateful for your reflections, dearest Kate. Sending lots of love♥️♥️♥️