TW: This piece discusses suicide
There’s this common misconception that when someone dies by suicide they are selfish and don’t care about the feelings of their loved ones. In my experience, this could not be further from the truth. I’ve had so many conversations with sucidial people who don’t want to let down their friends and family. That was certainly why I chose to get help when I did. I didn’t want to let my people down. Unfortunately, it is incredibly daunting and a lot of pressure to live for other people when the world feels so incredibly dark and lonely. Feeling overwhelmed by my own internal struggle and the intensity of trying to stay alive for others, I needed to find reasons to live that weren’t so high-stakes. So, sitting on my plastic mattress in the psychiatric hospital, I grabbed my journal (which had the ribbon bookmark cut out of it several days prior, for safety reasons) and a short pencill and wrote the following– very unhinged– list, which I’ve added commentary to with today’s hindsight.
4/4/23- REASONS TO LIVE
I need to see if Sasha Colby wins Drag Race (and if she takes over as host)
-As I was reading this list to my very straight psychiatrist (yes, for some reason I actually read him this list— what a wild thing to do to someone who works about 80 hours a week), I went on to explain the history of the Continental Pagent System. Sasha ended up winning just a few weeks after writing this– you can see my reaction here.
I need to hear the new albums from Brandi Carlile, Chappell Roan, and Rihanna
-Well, Rihanna announced last week (via t-shirt) that she is retired, so this will keep me alive for a longgggggggg time.
My godmother doesn’t need another loss
-She just doesn’t.
I need to go to Montreal to get the gluten-free croissant
-A few years ago, my friend Alyssa went to Montreal and sent me a picture of a gluten-free croissant that tasted just like a real (aka gluten-filled) croissant. I’ve been wanting to go ever since. I did get to go to Mariposa Baking Company in San Francisco which had life- changing gluten-free croissants and I think about them about 4 times a week (that’s not an exaggeration), but I still need to make a trip up north to try their Canadian brothers, eh!
I can’t let all the transphobes who want all the trans/non-binary people dead win
-It is delightful to know that me just exisiting and using they/them pronouns makes some random white guys so upset.
I still haven’t seen Lizzo in concert yet
-WHEN THIS WAS WRITTEN WE DID NOT KNOW WHAT WE KNOW NOW. Lizzo, please fire the lawyer that you share with Chris Brown. I’m begging you.
I need to see if Nicole Byer gets a boyfriend
-I have been listening to the podcast “Why Won’t You Date Me?” for 7 YEARS. I must see who Nicole Byer ends up dating.
My sister will make such wild choices at her wedding without me
-Please forgive me, my sister, I was in a literal psych ward. This is such a younger sibling take because in reality I gave VERY little input on the wedding. I made the cake, picked out my own outfit, and my sister asked me which color shoes she should wear. I literally did nothing else. My sister and her husband did it all. IT WAS THE MOST STUNNING PERFECT DAY AND NO WILD CHOICES WERE MADE (except me writing this statement in April).
I need to take the baby gays in my life to their first pride
-A few weeks ago, I got to tell some of the baby gays in my life about pride festivals and they can’t wait to go.
It would be embarrassing if I never got past a V0 in rock climbing
-Which is more embarassing? The fact that I didn’t want to die never getting past a V0 or that it’s been over a year since I wrote this and have only completed a singular V1.
I’ve never had a girlfriend
-The fact that #1 I wrote this and #2 I am putting this on the internet is soooo embarrassing, but you know #liveyourtruth.
Our Christmas cards are so iconic for there to only be two
-My best friend and I have the best holiday cards of all time. Thank goodness I lived because our card this year was the best yet. I even got a chance to send it to the psychiatrist (mentioned above) who saved my life.
I’m not trying to die working for a terrible non-profit
-I GOT OUT!! God bless (if you’ve worked in the field, I know you get it).
An elder at my church singing my name during the litany of saints would be far too much
-The Litany of Saints takes place at every funeral at the church that raised me. The names of every community member we’ve lost is sung aloud. At this time, imagining a world without me felt abstract. However, the idea of a beloved congregation member– who came to meet me in the hospital on the day I was born– singing my name felt very real. It was unbearable to imagine a world where I put my community through that.
Life is made in the mundane: in the music, the holiday cards, the food, and sometimes in the embarrassment. Even in the terrible moments, I still believe that staying alive was the best decision I ever made because I’ll be damned if I miss a Rihanna album.
This Week in Comfort
It is so hot!! Getting a handheld fan has been a game-changer for me this summer.
Over the past week and a half, I’ve gone to a river, lake, and the ocean. Few things bring me more peace than sitting by a body of water.
I am reading “Astrid Parker Doesn't Fail” by Ashley Herring Blake, a sapphic rom-com that takes place on an HGTV-esque show.
I love all of these reasons and love you.
Oh, Kate. Kate, Kate de mi corazón. Gracias. PS very weird fact: Lizzo was in my dream last night. I remember saying “OMG, that’s Lizzo!” And just like that, puff! It may be another of her superpowers…