Permission to Crash Out
Why feeling my feelings is vital to my chronic illness
Welcome to a very special edition of Lotus of Control! It’s special because I moved, and after a week without Wi-Fi, I can finally post. I hope you all enjoyed my recent crash-out about being chronically ill. Thank you to my friends and family who reached out to make sure I was okay. I wasn’t—but I am now.
Here’s the thing: every year, I typically have one major crash for each autoimmune disease I have—plus one extra meltdown about being chronically ill in general. That’s approximately five crash-outs a year.
Merriam-Webster defines “crash out” as “to become suddenly, uncontrollably angry or distressed.” For me, it often involves tears, a lot of “I can’t do this,” and general anger about the state of my body. These crashes last from a few hours to a few days. It’s important to allow myself to feel those feelings—because being chronically ill is hard. However, I can’t let myself stay in that space for too long, or I risk sinking into despair. (But that’s just me! If you need to sit with those feelings longer, please do.)
My mom had the pleasure of witnessing my annual celiac crash-out, which happened when I was SO excited to get a late-night dessert in NYC—only to find out they had just given away the last gluten-free option. I walked out of that bakery heartbroken. I missed the days when access to safe food felt simple. I was sad and angry. By the next day, I had moved on and stopped to get myself a different treat, but I was glad I had let myself feel the sadness the night before instead of burying it.
We live in a culture that uses disabled people as “inspiration porn.” The term, coined by comedian and activist Stella Young, refers to the objectification of disabled people for the benefit of non-disabled people. It emphasizes the idea that disabled people must "overcome" their obstacles—ignoring systemic barriers—and turns those moments into feel-good stories to inspire others. Instead of acknowledging our pain, we’re often told to put on a happy face and push through.
So this is your permission to have the meltdown. What you’re going through is really hard. You’re allowed to be honest with what you’re going through, and you’re allowed to be sad.
Let’s be real: anyone who judges you for having these feelings is probably the type to fall apart over a three-day cold—never mind living with a lifelong illness.
This Week in Comfort
During this move, many friends offered to help. I said no—but my amazing roommate accepted their offers, and guess what?! IT WAS SO HELPFUL. It was a great reminder that it's okay to accept help.
I’ve been having the fall scaries (like the Sunday scaries, but about the end of summer instead of Mondays), but I keep reminding myself: summer isn’t over yet! We’ve still got two more weeks until Labor Day. Soak up the sun and get outside while you can.
I’ve been listening to the podcast “Watch What Crappens!” If you’re a Bravo fan, it’s a must-listen.