Reasons I'm Glad I Lived

From trying to figure out why to stay to being glad you did

This piece was originally going to be behind the paywall, but I decided to keep it free so you can get a glimpse into what you’ll get as a paid subscriber! Starting in July, I will to put out 1-2 extra pieces a month. Because I am chronically ill I am putting a range because some months I’ll have energy for 2 pieces and others just 1. If you’re a paid subscriber, let me know what you would like to see from the bonus pieces. If you can’t afford but would like the paywalled content, just send me an email and I’ll add you for free (no questions asked).

TW: This piece discusses suicide

There are many reasons I am glad I decided to live when I really didn’t want to just a little over a year ago. I went to the weddings of my sister and three dear friends (and I have two more this upcoming week). I went on a 9-week road trip, seeing the most beautiful parts of the country. One of my best friends had a baby. I started a business. I met some of my closest friends and got a dog. Those are all super wonderful and big, but there won’t always be times when momentous occasions are happening, so let’s go over some of the other reasons from the past 14 months (or so) I am very glad I lived.

1. Alex Newell singing “Independently Owned” 

I watch this on YouTube about every other week. Also, seeing them win the Tony was just so moving.

2. Watching Michigan win the national championship with my brother

This was such a special night. I drove up to Brooklyn and brought Vernors. We drank our pop and watched the game (did my catalytic converter get stolen on that trip? YES, but you know life has its dualities).

3. My mom sending me a full leopard print sweatsuit that has become my full personality while in treatment

It would be 80 degrees out, but if I was having an extra bad day, I would wear it. I still do when I need a pick-me-up.

4. Gadfrie Arbulu’s gown at Miss Continental 2023

I meannnnnnn come on!! That is how you steal the show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@onlylovebrooklynGadfrie Arbulu Gown Reveal 2023 Miss Continental Pageant 2024 #gayhistory #gadfriearbulu @Gadfrie Arbulu #gaytiktok🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈 #lgbt🌈 #trans #misscontinental #eveninggowncompetition #reveal #dragqueensoftiktok #pageantqueens #dragqueens

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5. Discovering that Target has gluten-free coconut shrimp:

Beware though because the bag of the popcorn shrimp looks very similar, so it’s easy to mix them up.

6. Seeing Julien Baker win a Grammy and then all the variations of this tweet (I cried everytime I saw one)

   

For those who don’t know, the song “Graceland Too” by Phoebe Bridgers is about Julien Baker, who went on a road trip after struggling with suicidal ideation and addiction. My best friend and I have cried several times while listening to it.

7. Tracy Chapman at the Grammys

I SCREAMED, “Is that her?!! Is that her?!!!” It was and we were all blessed for that moment.

8. Brit Smith’s song “Karma” knocking Jojo Siwa’s version off the charts:

I can’t even get into all this, so here’s more information. In conclusion, gay people are petty, and it’s hilarious.

9. COWBOY CARTER

A BEYONCÉ COUNTRY ALBUM?!! My favorite artists are Brandi Carlile and Beyoncé. IMAGINE IF I HAD MISSED A BEYONCÉ COUNTRY ALBUM???!!! That would have been DEVASTATING.

10. Heather Gay from Real Housewives of Salt Lake City screaming RECEIPTS PROOF TIMELINE SCREENSHOT, F—KING EVERYTHING. And of course, this iconic shot of “4 women on a beach” from the same episode

This cultural moment brought me into the Bravo universe, and boy, what a delightful (? Idk if that’s the right word lol) place to be.

11. “Theater Camp” the movie

Never has there been a piece of cinema that so accurately captures the trauma that is the subculture of youth theatre camp.

12. This rainbow in a sunset at one of my favorite places in the world

    

    Rainbow in the sunset in Holmes, NY

    I was speechless

13. Getting in full glam for the first time in years at my sister’s wedding:

I try to always mask indoors, so I hadn’t gotten in full glam (full face of makeup, hair, etc.) since before the pandemic. It’s so fun. My sister’s wedding was outside, so I got to do it all, and I forgot the way it can just bring me back to life.

Outside at my sister’s wedding

14. Being thrilled at the accuracy of the song Oklahoma! while driving through Oklahoma

@k8summersaround 2000 miles into the trip and Oklahoma is a long state so I listened to this song about 10 times

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IT’S SO ACCURATE.

15. Running around Dollywood by myself having the time of my life:

It turns out going to an amusement park by yourself is way more fun than when you’re with a group because when you get hot or cranky (due to said heat), you can just take a break for as long as you’d like and no one is trying to push you to keep going.

Kate in front of the Dollywood sign

16. Finally learning that the best way to make apple crisp is 80% crisp and 20% apples

Just try it next time you make apple crisp. You can thank me later.

17. Going to karoke on Halloween and cream singing the Fresh Prince theme song dressed as Big Boy then realizing everyone else who signed up were amazing singers. 

It was hilarious and I had a great time.

18. Discovering the restaurant Emei in Philadelphia:

They have THE BEST gluten-free Chinese food I have ever had. Wow, I can’t imagine living without it.

19. After much trial and error, I perfected my gluten-free eclair recipe, and they don’t taste gluten-free at all.

This is my crowning achievement.

20. Finding the fuzziest coziest loungewear of all time.

I lived in them all winter. Whenever I have an autoimmune flare, I put them on because it forces me to relax.

21. Sobbing while listening to “Story of My Life” from Shrek the Musical while driving through Big Sur

    Please enjoy the video I sent my friend after I had to pull over I was crying so hard. I am totally sober and was just taken by gratitude, the beauty of Big Sur…and Shrek.

LOOK, I WAS VERY GRATEFUL FOR WHERE MY LIFE WAS AT THAT MOMENT.

Life can be so hard, but also pretty wonderful. You never know when you’ll go from a psych ward to sobbing about how grateful you are to be alive in just 5 months Sometimes it might take longer and other times you might have to go back and get help— there’s no one path. No matter what, I am so grateful you’re with us.