Tiny Little Dreams

On waking up from nightmares to find that some of your dreams have come true

Dreaming saved my life. Through my traumatic childhood, I spent my time in school daydreaming about a life of traveling the world and having amazing friends. At the height of lockdown, I dreamed about how I would decorate my apartment once I had my own space. In my toxic non-profit jobs, I dreamed about the days of starting my own businesses where I didn’t have to answer to people who made six-figure salaries but refused to pay me an extra $20 a week. Dreams and hope go hand in hand. After years of traumatic and near-death experiences, I went numb, and my imagination went blank. The world around me turned dark. After experiencing so much pain, it was hard to even dream of a life beyond trauma. All that was left were PTSD nightmares.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Then there was a moment in that darkness where I said to myself, “this feels like a little dream come true.” It was during my second psychiatric hospital stay in 28 days. Because of my celiac disease, I rarely got treats or snacks beyond Baked Lays potato chips (I have had so many bags of those cardboard chips, and I truly hope to never have them again) while on the unit. Everyone else would get Uncrustables, ice cream, or cookies at some point during the day. I didn’t mind though, I was too busy dissociating. However, one day I was on my period and desperately craving chocolate. Every few days on the menu, it would say that I could order a gluten-free brownie. I always did, but it never came. This day, I remember hoping, “let this be the day it actually comes!” When my lunch tray arrived, I was so disappointed. It was a pile of broccoli, baked potato chips, and a covered Styrofoam cup of black beans. I sighed, ate what I could, and decided to save the cup of beans for later (we weren’t supposed to do that, but the techs on the unit were chill, so we got away with it).

There was always downtime on the unit because we only had groups for a couple of hours a day. That evening, I went back to my room to read Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuinston, which is honestly a perfect book to read in the psych ward because it’s so unserious and just heartwarming. The sun was setting, and for the first time, golden hour hit my room. I was hungry, so I decided to grab my cup of beans to eat while I read. When I opened my cup, to my delight, it was not black beans; it was the brownie. I think I audibly gasped. I grabbed my spork, crawled under my towel blanket on my plastic mattress, and smiled as I ate the brownie. It was a tiny little dream come true. I even told everyone on the unit about it (they were very kind but also like, “okay, it’s just a brownie”). It was a moment out of nowhere that just brought me pleasure and joy.

After my years of trauma and subsequent mental breakdown, I have learned just how little control we have over our lives (hence the title of this newsletter!). By releasing that control, I have been able to come into the present and just be in my day to say life. I still have dreams, but I don’t spend as much time using them as a coping skill. However, I still want to honor the dreams that kept me going for so long. There are so many moments in my life today that my past self would think are very cool (and many moments where they would be like, “what the hell? It’s pretty messed up that happened.”). Some of them are really big, but most of them are small because, in the end, what I have always wanted in my life is to just connect with people and see pretty places. At the end of my life, I want to look back and say that I had a million tiny little dreams come true.

So here are some things in my life at the moment that feel like a dream come true:

• I live in an apartment with my best friend and our dog. Our home is filled with bright colors and such love and safety.

• I get paid to write and bake. I’m not at the point yet where writing and baking pay my bills completely, but every time I get an order or someone becomes a paid subscriber to this newsletter, I get emotional. My little self would not believe that anyone would pay them for something like writing. I’m so grateful every time I do get paid for it.

• The friends I made in treatment. These friends are so life-affirming, and we will go to the ends of the earth for each other. It’s a special bond that is difficult to describe. It’s a type of connection that I didn’t know I was searching for.

• I was a camp counselor. As a kid, my dream jobs were to be a waiter, camp counselor, or Michigan cheerleader. Still waiting on that third one, never say never.

• I lived in Nicaragua. From the age of 9, I always wanted to live in Nicaragua, and I moved there for a year at 18. Looking back, I love that I went after that dream so quickly.

• There is so much leopard print in my closet. As a kid, I pretended to hate leopard print because my sister didn’t like it. I secretly LOVE leopard print, and every time I open my closet, I am happy to see it.

• I recently ate a gluten-free cannoli. I had been dreaming of that moment since being diagnosed with celiac 6 years ago. It’s amazing.

• I get to see several Broadway shows/tours a year. I used to save up babysitting money and get to go to shows every few years. Now I get to see a few shows a year (I haven't upgraded past the balcony or obstructed view, but that's for my current self to dream of).

• I no longer push down the struggle. Instead, I hold it with the great beauty and dreams that come just by living day to day.

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This Week in Comfort

• Aminatou Sow (of the podcast Call Your Girlfriend) is back with a new podcast called Pop Culture Debate Club. Each week, two guests have to convince the host Aminatou Sow that their opinion a TV, movie, etc is the best.

• I got to sit by two bodies of water this week— the ocean and the Baltimore Harbor. Find a body of water! Sit by it! You’ll feel a little more calm and if you don’t at least you’ll look at something pretty.

• Dolly Parton has a birthday party decorations at Walmart. You can get a light up Dolly Parton for your birthday cake!!!!

  

  Light up Dolly Parton on top of a cake