What if it does get better?
On completing a goal born in survival mode: 49 states by 30 ✓
“But what if it does? What if it does get better?”
I rolled my eyes at my therapist as he said that.
I had just outlined a plan for if things got better and I stayed alive. I’d work through the summer, then spend the fall driving and traveling across the country: first to New Mexico, then to Oregon by way of California. It sounded amazing in theory, but my whole being had gone dark. I couldn’t feel anything. I was ready to check out.
“I could potentially meet my goal of visiting 49 states by 30. But what if it doesn’t get better? What if I feel numb and empty forever? Or what if I get really sick again?” I said.
I can’t remember exactly when I came up with that goal, but I know it was during the depths of my illness. I never thought it would happen—I just needed something to daydream about amidst the pain.
But after years of pain and trauma, I’d lost my ability to dream. I was sitting in a dark room, the therapy office at the residential mental health treatment center. The only light came from a small desk lamp. My legs were crossed, shoulders hunched, trying to make myself as small as possible—hoping I’d disappear.
The four years leading up to that moment had taught me that life could crumble over and over again. I couldn’t feel anything—so how could I believe things might get better?
“But what if it does?” my therapist repeated.
I huffed and rolled my eyes again.
“I know I’m rolling my eyes. Sorry if that’s disrespectful. It’s just hard to imagine.”
But less than five months later, I was on the road.
The journey to that moment was intense. It involved continuing treatment, several medication changes, two stellate ganglion blocks, and a terrible flare-up that only improved after a medical procedure. It’s amazing how much can happen in just a few months—especially after four years of one traumatic experience after another.
I also know that the foundation from my eight years of recovery made the healing process much faster.
The trip was been beyond anything I could have imagined. Just the fact that I could leave the house felt like a miracle—let alone drive across the country. Actually, let me rephrase that: just the fact that I’m alive is a miracle.
After the big road trip, I had only two more states to visit before turning 30: Georgia and Alaska. Last month, I stopped in Savannah on my way to care for a family member in Florida. And after years of planning, my mom and I finally spent this past week in Alaska. My goal was complete.
We saw glaciers, wild animals, the peak of Denali, and fields of wildflowers across mountain slopes. We hiked and stood in awe of our surroundings.
I did have a flare-up mid-trip, which required a full day in bed (and many more days of recovery after I got back). But that rest gave me the strength to do a big hike and even go whitewater rafting the next day.
My sweet mom made sure everyone we met knew I had completed my goal of visiting 49 states by 30. While I was slightly embarrassed at times, we both knew the deeper meaning behind it.
It was a goal born from survival mode, and it ended in a place filled with 18 hours of daylight.
When things get hard, I hold on to the small statement that carried me through my darkest moments:
“But what if it does?”
It did. It does. And (sometimes) it’s better than I could have ever imagined.
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congratulations, Kate! You did this! Also, so great that your mom knew how important this goal was to you and had so much fun pursuing it with you.
Love this!!